Yesterday was #WorldPrematurityDay and Amanda wants to share her story 💜
"So I’m sharing these thoughts again…
There is such an overwhelming feeling of worry, fear, sadness, guilt, and so many more emotions when you go through those #NICU doors for the first time….
and every time after that.
The beeping machines.
The medical terms.
The army of Drs & Nurses.
The countless number of wires, tubes, and machines attached to such a tiny little baby.
The sterile hospital smell.
The fear and anxiety.
The hope you try to keep inside of you.
The environment you may have heard of, but never really knew what went on inside.
The emptiness you feel when you are discharged from the hospital and your baby isn’t.
The unknown of every single minute of every day. Then hours. Then days.
Not knowing what will happen next.
The fact that you’re trying with all that you have inside of you to find joy and excitement in your new baby but you’re watching them fight for their life.
The constant wondering if there will be a light at the end of the tunnel…
Keeping your faith because you know it will get you through.
The way your heart races every time you meet with the care team each morning to hear what that day will hold.
The incredible feeling of both joy and fear when you hold your baby for the first time 2 weeks after he was born.
The constant guilt, frustration, sadness, happiness, tears, fear, and love that you feel is overwhelming.
The way your heart aches because you can’t hold your baby whenever you want to and have to look at them through an incubator.
Waiting patiently by his incubator months later to hear his very first cry.
The fact that you have so many questions and are waiting patiently to hear what happens next.
Will he make it through the night?
Will I hear him cry?
Will I be able to hold him?
Can he do this?
Can I do this?
Can we do this?
The lonely feeling you have when you have to wake up in the middle of the night to pump but your baby isn’t next to you.
The way you cling to your phone when you aren’t there but you also don’t want the phone to ring because a phone call could also mean bad news…
The way your stomach drops, a lump forms in your throat, your heart skips a beat, and your mind goes blank when you hear a diagnosis, a procedure needed, or the likelihood of survival…
The soft smile that you make sure you keep on your face while fighting back tears when your baby hits milestones.
They are not the milestones you think of when you bring a baby home or what you had planned…
These are the milestones of your tiny but mighty little man…
Getting to hold him for the first time even when it’s 2 weeks later.
When weeks later he’s been able to have 1 whole ml of your breast milk through his tube.
Learning that his blood transfusion helped.
Getting a catheter out.
Having stable Stats.
Getting to change his tiny little diaper on your own for the very first time.
When he’s finally gained enough weight to wear a preemie sized diaper.
Hitting three pounds.
Being extubated.
Switched from and OG to an NG to an NJ to a GJ.
Coming off NippV, SiPAP, CPAP.
Trying to breast feed or bottle feed him (even if it doesn’t work… you’ve tried).
First time you get to do skin on skin…and so on.
EVERY SINGLE SMALL BUT HUGE MILESTONE!
It is hard, but God doesn’t give us anything we cannot handle.
My boys are all I’ve ever wanted and more. They have taught me so much and continue to do so every day. I love to watch them grow and learn and hit new milestones.
So Keep the faith.
Stay strong.
Find the light whatever yours may be.
Everyone has a story.
And this is a part of ours. 💜
What is your story?
I would really love to hear it!
No matter what it may be!💕
We are all in this life together!"
-Amanda
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